June 1-7 Forgiveness is Necessary
It is incredible how much anger I had and that I could never admit. Sometimes I would lay in my bed in an absolute pickle as to think, why me? Why first of all did I lose my virginity to rape?
And if there was a God at all, why oh why does He allow these things to happen? I’m not even dealing with the horrible stuff that came after that. So many questions, so much anger and most of it not answered or fully deleted from my heart until much later.
Until I fully chose to let go and made a committed decision to heal in ways that I did not even know at the time were there - not until then did I even begin to heal and that still came - later.
Forgiveness; it seemed like a word that other people threw around so effortlessly, other people that didn’t have their young wombs pillaged by thieves or their minds robbed of sanity and their emotions crippled with the the fear of the darkness that such robbers left behind. What to do? How to cope? I had never told anyone up to that point (about anything) so how was I suppose to forgive.
Unfortunately statistically (and I hate that word but we have to use it) most do not tell yet 1 in 4 women is raped and many before the age of 17. There I was a statistic and not a good one.
Gripped with shame and guilt - the same shame and guilt felt by those of us who live through this. There it was... Rape is the 3rd highest crime in America which meant that we typified the “all American girl.”
The reason I discovered I didn’t forgive and didn’t tell is for the same reason I believe most don’t.
At the root we think WE DID SOMETHING WRONG, that we somehow caused some man to think that he could RAPE us albeit “murder - assassinate our soul.”
We often feel as I felt, that there was nothing to forgive somehow because it was our fault and WE were yet still in a personal epic psycho drama that no one was privy to and yet we did not understand ourselves because no one was dealing with it. Now, and especially when the rape occurs when a female or male is a minor because our minds are not even developed enough to fully comprehend a whole heck of a lot and it is noted that our brains aren't fully grown until age 24.
But as in life, we are often on our own with some of the biggest decisions of our lives and forgiveness is one of them.
I want to speak about so much more as we move forward in this blog that helped me and may help you in your process of healing but a little at a time. This week I want to leave you with the fact that it is YOUR decision to forgive just as it is your decision to heal. Because it is your life that matters.
I learned that until I forgave myself and others that I would never learn nor be free to love yet alone have the kind of life I knew that I was born to; that God breathed in me before the foundations of the world.
“Neuroscience has proven that you are uniquely equipped to fulfill your purpose in life” Dr. Caroline Leaf writes, “A thought is real. So every time we listen and think about things it results in choices that we make, which will result in thoughts or memories that we build.” A thought is REAL and it does create who we become and how we see ourselves and the world around us. So whenever a bad memory arose I would replace it with the idea that it was in the past and it was not my fault, that I was created to love, live and give and receive good from others. I also understood later that it was not God’s fault either. That things happen on earth because we as human beings allow things by laws we put in place or not, as well as other reasons that could never be the fault of God but that I still don't fully understand. I also believe and discovered that regardless of what one person goes through - there is someone, somewhere else going through something that seems worse. That we each deal with things so differently depending upon who we are and our basic character traits. Some women and even men who are abused become criminals or end up with severe, very severe psychological disorders and some have not recovered or have lost or taken their lives.
So as cliche as it may seem, what did not kill me has (after years of self analyzation, fight, prayer, and various types of therapy, including one on one cognitive, cultural immersion, physical fitness, a healthy nutritional diet and the likes) has made me stronger.
But none of it would have been possible without forgiving and the last person I forgave which was the hardest and when I say hardest, I mean it - was myself.
I feel as though I’ve lost years in waiting so long, I hope you don’t. So cheers to life, your life because everyday is truly a new beginning.